


Your Ass Might Be Outta This World But Your Name Still Isn't Superman

by Miasen



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Awkward Flirting, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Uchiha Sasuke-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8256230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miasen/pseuds/Miasen
Summary: Where Sasuke questions the life choices that lead him to take up work in a coffee shop (talk about bad idea), and there's a (hot AF) blond guy who refuses to give up his real name when ordering (not that Sasuke wants to know him or anything, it would just be nice with a name to go with his daydreams. Not that he daydreams about certain blonds. Not at all).





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday Naruto! 
> 
> So, I reblogged this: http://nerds-are-cool.tumblr.com/post/133544218971/if-youre-struggling-for-au-ideas-take on Tumblr weeks and weeks ago, and Pandajelo suggested I write 1iv, and I was more than into that, so here you go! I have no idea how this took me so long to write, ops.

In a coffee shop much like any other coffee shop Sasuke Uchiha was questioning the life choices that had brought him here. Somehow people had the assumption that since he came from an affluent family he wouldn’t have to work a day in his life, but those people obviously did not know that when Mikoto Uchiha was your mo ther you damned well had to get a  _ taste of the real life _ . Which meant that sure she and his father would pay his tuition for any college he wanted, but if he actually wanted to eat he damned well had to work for it, which again led to him taking a job in a coffee shop, because for the strangest reason Sasuke had forgotten that working in a coffee shop would mean actually talking to people on a daily basis.  

It was just cementing his opinion that people were idiots.  

He handed over a cup, the order neatly written on it, to his co-worker and turned to the next person in line, who proceeded to greet him with a wide grin that Sasuke ignored in favour of giving the spiel he had been taught when he started work last week. Apparently it was crucial to say it every time, or people would be horrendously offended and the shop would go bankrupt.  

“Welcome to Konoha Coffee, today’s special is the Chilled Mocha Special, what can I get you?” As if the people who came in the doors didn’t actually know where they were, and wasn’t even able to make up their own minds about what they wanted to drink. The special was barely fifty cents cheaper than its usual (over)price, so wasn’t like it was even a good bargain.  

“Uhm,” the guy across the desk said, bright blue eyes darting up to the signs above Sasuke’s head. Why the fuck people wouldn’t use the time they were standing in line to do so, and actually have an order ready by the time they reached Sasuke was baffling. The shop was located on campus, you’d think people who had managed to get into college could manage something as simple as ordering coffee without holding up the line.  

“The White Chocolate Mocha with extra caramel, please!” the guy said excitedly, eyes widening in apparent glee as he saw the description on the sign.  

So, diabetes in a cup then, why wasn’t Sasuke surprised. They should stop referring to this as a coffee shop, because there was so little actual coffee in these drinks it was laughable.  

Sasuke bit back that comment as he grabbed a cup and a marker. “Who’s it for?” he asked.  

There was something disconcerting with the smile the blond-haired man was giving him, even wider than before, his eyes turning into crescents from the force of it. “Superman,” he said.  

Sasuke could feel his right eye twitch in annoyance, because as far as a fake name went it was absolutely horrid. The idiot could at least have went with Clark Kent, which at least was an _  actual name _ .  

He considered saying as much, but the manager had used the word  _ service _  eight different times as he was showing Sasuke around, so he was pretty sure snark wasn’t going to be appreciated. He gritted his teeth and scribbled the name the blond had given on the side, handing it over to the barista.  

The blond idiot kept grinning at him as he paid, as if he wasn’t being thoroughly ripped off, thanking him and even stuffing a dollar in the tip jar.  

“Superman!” the barista called out a while later as Sasuke was taking the order of a frat girl who wanted a skimmed mocha, as if that was going to keep her from putting on the freshmen fifteen, and there was a sharp bark of laughter from one of the tables. Sasuke looked up long enough to see an obnoxious brunet with a leather jacket laugh as the blond from earlier picked up his drink and wandered to his table and sat down. The brunet was wearing an animal fang on a leather cord around his neck, as if that didn’t make him look like the biggest douche ever.  

_ Fucking dumb and dumber, _  Sasuke thought to himself, hoping he’d never see them again.  

Two days later he was met with a big grin when he turned away from the sink to greet the new customer he had heard approaching the counter. Sasuke tried to twist his lips into something that maybe looked like a smile, because the manager kept reminding him that he was supposed to be pleasant.  

“Hi!” the blond that Sasuke immediately remembered from the other day said, and then thankfully ordered his Dark Chocolate Twist before Sasuke could start on his spiel, which he was grateful for, because he had said it so many times he was starting to recite it in his sleep.  

“Name?” Sasuke added, remembering too well what he had been given the other day, and only preparing for the worst.  

“Batman,” the guy said, and Sasuke had to bite down on his tongue to keep from groaning out loud. He guessed he shouldn’t have been surprised, but really?  

He hoped the blond wasn’t about to make this a habit.  

A couple of weeks later and the blond he still didn’t know the real name of was frowning deeply, seemingly on the verge of shutting down completely, all because Sasuke had asked him for his name. He hadn’t had the same trouble when he gave it as Green Lantern, or The Flash (yes, he added the  _ The _ , because of course he did) or Aquaman or  even  Martian Manhunter. Apparently the idiot was drawing a blank, having gone through all of Justice League. Sasuke gave him a full minute to deliberate, then just scribbled one down himself, handing the cup back to Suigetsu who was working as barista tonight, hearing a low snigger when he read the cup.  

“You’ll get it,” Sasuke just grumbled as the blond looked at him, seemingly thoroughly confused. The blond shrugged and paid, heading over to wait patiently for his drink while Sasuke moved to the next customer.  

He kept looking to the side, waiting for Suigetsu to finish up with the drink so he wouldn’t miss the blond’s reaction, absent-mindedly noting down the (hopefully) right order on the paper cup of the juvenile delinquent that was currently ordering.  

“Caramel Macchiato Explosion for Wonder Woman,” Suigetsu called out, making sure to announce it loud enough that most of the coffee shop could hear. Sasuke saw a look of confusion pass the blond’s face, and was waiting for the realisation and outrage to hit, because idiots like that, all muscles and no brain (and judging by the way his shirt was stretched to its limit over broad shoulders muscles was all he had to offer), was bound to be pissed off at basically being called a girl.  

He didn’t get pissed off. Instead he broke out into a loud snort, laughing with his entire body, arms clutching his gut as he threw his head back, showing off probably every single one of his teeth.  

This wasn’t what Sasuke had planned for at all, he was ready for the blond to get pissed off, but as he finally stopped laughing and grabbed his drink he took the time to pucker his lips together in an over-exaggerated kiss in Sasuke’s direction.

Sasuke flinched, as if the blond had actually laid one on him, and was silently glad the blond turned around as he headed towards his friend, he didn’t particularly want the blond to see his shocked expression. By the time the blond sat down, his friend shouldering him and whispering something to him, Sasuke had schooled his features back into one of mild contempt again. It came naturally to him, so it didn’t take much work.  

It took Suigetsu jostling him to realise he wasn’t paying attention to the customer in front of the counter. Shit, he really shouldn’t be so flustered just because some idiot frat boy blew him a kiss. Even if that idiot frat boy had the most amazing smile that seemed to light—  

No, he was not going there, nope.  

The blond kept coming into the coffee shop, and after running out of Justice League members he had moved on to The Avengers, today’s dose of sugared milk with a hint of coffee for Hawkeye. If the guy kept these semi-daily drinks going he wasn’t going to stay fit for very long, they had about a million calories each (actually, the White Chocolate Wonder the blond had ordered today had about 620—which was pretty fucking bad). Not that Sasuke had noticed that the blond was fit. Except for that one time he had come in with nothing but a jeans and a wife beater, putting his biceps very much on display. Arms corded with muscles that might have temporarily distracted Sasuke from announcing today's special for a moment before he snapped out of it.  

He was sure the blond thought he was absolutely hilarious giving all these obviously fake names, but Sasuke wasn’t amused in the slightest. He had maybe thought it was a bet the first time, judging by the reaction from that brown-haired guy that had come in with the blond a few times (the brown-haired guy who still hadn’t actually bought a single coffee, just smooched off their free Wi-Fi while the blond drank his cup of barely-coffee). Considering the blond kept the joke going even when he came in alone made Sasuke retract that analysis and come to the conclusion that the blond just liked being an absolute asshole.  

It wasn’t that Sasuke absolutely needed to hear his name, a fake name did the job to make sure he got the drink he had ordered as good as a real name did, but he was getting kind of extremely annoyed referring to him as  _ the blond _ . Not that he went around talking about him, or thinking about him, and he definitely had not been woken up the other day by his alarm interrupting a particularly juicy dream featuring said blond and his fucking bulging biceps and golden skin and wide grin and no clothes whatsoever.  

“Uuhm,” he heard someone say, and only then realised that he had been in the middle of taking someone's order when thoughts of certain blond idiots had made him forget himself. He lifted his marker to write down the order, and only then realised that he in his frustration had crushed the paper cup.  

He threw the cup away with an annoyed huff, mostly directed at himself, grabbed a fresh one and quickly finished up with the customer, glad to see that there was no one behind her in the line, the lunch rush finally over for the day.  

“You know, I think lover boy would prefer your grip to be a little bit gentler,” Suigetsu said, sidling up to Sasuke when he finished with the order, calling out a name, a normal name, like people were  _ supposed  _ to put down.  

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Sasuke said with a huff and ducked away from the arm Suigetsu tried to throw around his shoulder.  

“You know, I get that you are daydreaming about your superhero boyfriend, but hand jobs should not entail crushing his balls.” Suigetsu pointedly looked towards the trash can where there mauled paper cup laid in all its crushed glory, and Sasuke got a sudden image of his balls handled in a similar way and winced. 

If he could he would have stepped away from the counter entirely, but even if there were no one waiting to order he had to stay there,  _ just in case _ . Which meant he had absolutely nothing to do, so it really wasn’t his fault if his gaze just happened to travel across the small shop until they landed on a certain someone sitting as close to the counter as you could get. He was slouching in his seat, his legs stretched out and propped up on the chair on the opposite side, sneakers that had probably at one point been white discarded on the floor. He guessed he could have gone over and told him that he really shouldn’t smear his dirty socks all over the furniture, but that would mean talking to him, and he had absolutely no need to do that. 

Where the other people in the shop was either talking amongst themselves or working on laptops the blond was just sitting there, one thumb swiping across the screen of his phone, a pair of obnoxious orange headphones perked on his head. They clashed with his hair, but he didn’t seem like he really cared much. The skinny jeans with more holes than fabric across the thighs and the oversized shirt that he’d left unbuttoned over a black t-shirt that had seen one too many washes didn’t exactly scream fashion conscious. 

He had to be reading something funny, because the next thing Sasuke knew the blond’s face split in a wide grin, and Sasuke had to grab a wash cloth and start scrubbing the perfectly clean counter, just to distract himself. 

  


Sasuke didn’t know why the boss kept teaming him up with Suigetsu, but he guessed it could’ve been worse, he had to take a shift with some pink-haired girl who kept clinging to him once, and that made Suigetsu seem perfectly nice in comparison.

Except for that fact that Suigetsu seemed to take some absurd glee from tormenting Sasuke and this one customer… 

“So, have you gotten into his pants yet?” he said, showcasing his snaggletooth as he grinned, pushing his face too close for comfort. 

Sasuke shoved him away, giving himself away when he immediately knew exactly whose pants Suigetsu was talking about. That fucking blond idiot with the fucking dumb names. 

“I don’t wanna get into his pants,” he grumbled, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the counter. The shop was empty, close enough to closing that everyone had left, but not close enough that they could actually lock the door yet. He just hoped no idiots came bursting through at the last moment demanding a Frozen Macchiato Delight or Chocolate Lava Explosion Deluxe, because Sasuke was aching to just go home to his (empty) apartment, watch TV (alone) and eat something that didn’t require him to actually cook (he had this perfect frozen pizza in his freezer for just such a moment). 

“Man, I don’t get you, I’d  be all up in that in a heartbeat. Superboy is  _ fine _ .” 

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the nickname Suigetsu had adopted for the blond. “I have zero interest in getting involved with a moron who can’t even say his own name.” 

Suigetsu’s smirk widened, and Sasuke should’ve realised that meant something was going on. “So I’m free to go for it then?” 

Sasuke meant to say that sure, Suigetsu could go for it all he wanted. Sasuke wouldn’t mind at all, had absolutely zero interest in certain blonds whatsoever. He was nothing but a moron in a good body, and Sasuke was not one to be enticed by nice bodies. Or nice smiles. Or big, blue eyes. Or… 

He groaned and dragged a hand through his hair, hating himself for not just being able to let that idiot go. He was just a sort of good-looking customer (okay, he couldn’t even make himself believe that at this point. The blond was smoking hot). 

“Great, you won’t mind if I take this one then,” Suigetsu said just as the small bell over the door rang, signalling someone entering. 

Normally people coming in this late was nothing but an annoyance, but Suigetsu’s words coupled with the fact that he hadn’t actually seen the blond in a couple of days had Sasuke spin around, shoving Suigetsu out of the way back to his place in front of the coffee-maker. 

He promptly ignored Suigetsu’s snickers at Sasuke’s reaction. 

“Shit, you are closing, aren’t you?” the blond said as he looked around the empty coffee shop. “I completely forgot…” 

“It’s fine,” Sasuke said before the blond turned and left. Not because he wanted him to stay or anything, just because… Just because he was a decent human being. Or something like that. He wasn’t even sure what kind of excuses he was supposed to be using for himself any more. 

“Thank you!” the blond said, too enthusiastic for something as stupid as not throwing him out of the shop just because it was closing time. 

“What do you want?” Sasuke asked, foregoing the introductory spiel, knowing neither Suigetsu nor the blond was about to rat him out to the boss. 

“Uhm.” 

Sasuke wanted to roll his eyes at the predictable reaction. For some reason the blond never seemed to order the same thing twice, and he never actually decided until he was right there in front of Sasuke, looking up on the list on the wall. 

“Surprise me?” he added, lips turning into a crooked grin that Sasuke definitely in no way found attractive. He was leaning against the counter, elbows resting on it, and Sasuke couldn’t help think that he only needed to lean in a little bit and then he could kiss those full lips and— 

He shook his head, grabbing his marker and writing down an order on the cup. He contemplated going with just black coffee, but considering the blond usually ordered something with a lot of chocolate and caramel and very little coffee at all, he refrained from it, and made it a Chocolate Swirl Macchiato instead, which was new of the week, so the blond wouldn’t have had it before. 

He looked up for a moment, then wrote down decaf. It was much too late for caffeine, and the blond looked like he needed a long night’s sleep judging by the shadows underneath his eyes that most likely came with approaching midterms. Sasuke should know, he probably sported the same ones. 

“Name?” he asked when he finished writing down the order, mostly out of reflex, since there was no one around and it would be hard to give the order to the wrong person. 

“Naruto,” the blond said, the final syllable drowning in a yawn. 

Sasuke started writing, then froze.  _ Naruto _ . Sasuke was no expert, but he was pretty certain none of the Avengers were named Naruto. Could it be… 

“That’s… not a superhero,” he said lamely, only realising that he’d voiced his surprise when Naruto’s grin turned sheepish. 

“Aw, man, I forgot about that,” he chuckled. 

Sasuke finished writing the name, trying not to look excited at finally having a proper name to go with the face that had invaded his daydreams a little too often lately. 

He didn’t pay much attention as he thrust the paper cup in Suigetsu’s direction, and if Suigetsu gave him any pointed looks he was very much ignoring it. 

Seeing as how there was no one else around the blond— _ Naruto _ —stayed right there in front of him, leaning against the counter, face twisting up as he tried not to yawn again. 

Sasuke felt like he should be saying something, but he was drawing a blank. Not that he wanted to talk to Naruto (yes he did) or get to know him (of course he did) and definitely not because he wanted to get his tongue better acquainted with every part of Naruto’s body (he wasn’t even sure who he was trying to convince any more). 

“So, Sasuke, who’s your favourite superhero?” Naruto said, stretching his arms over his head as he seemed to bite down another yawn. Sasuke wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed by the fact that Naruto gotten to know his name all along courtesy of the name tag he was forced to wear, but he rather liked the way it sounded when Naruto said it, so he let it go.

Sasuke scowled a little instead, but Naruto didn’t seem too intimidated by that, he just kept smiling, his eyes wrinkling up with the action, and god, he should not be allowed to be this attractive. 

Sasuke was still trying to find something to say when Suigetsu interrupted him by sliding Naruto’s drink over the counter, nudging Sasuke with his hip as he did. “Just admit that it’s Batman and get it over with.”

Sasuke shot Suigetsu a death glare, but didn’t say anything, because it was such a cliche answer, but Suigetsu was right, dammit.

Naruto was grinning over the edge of the coffee when Sasuke looked back towards him, and his eyes were just so fucking blue Sasuke couldn’t look away. 

If Sasuke wasn’t completely useless at social interactions he would probably have initiated some sort of conversation at this point, but he was in fact utterly useless, so Naruto soon gave him a crooked smile and pushed away from the counter. “I guess I’ll get outta here so you can close up. Thank you for the coffee, Sasuke.”

“Hn, whatever,” Sasuke grunted, wincing at himself the moment he did because wow was he being a complete idiot. He thought he’d left his emo period behind him in middle school alongside the stupid hair and too much eyeliner, but apparently not. 

Naruto just raised his cup in a salute and walked towards the door, and Sasuke entertained himself by looking at his very fine ass, praising whoever invented skinny jeans until Suigetsu rudely interrupted him by slinging an arm around his shoulder and shaking him just as the bell above the door marked the end of their shift when Naruto left. 

“You know he’s totally into you, right?” Suigetsu said as Sasuke shoved him off and stalked to find the mop because he wanted to go home. 

  


He didn’t notice the text message until he’d finished mopping the floor and taking out the trash, only grabbing his phone to check it when he hung up his apron for the night. Usually his texts were either someone wanting him to cover a shift for them, or his brother, and he wasn’t very interested in either, but he still opened it up so he’d at least know what he was going to be ignoring. 

It wasn’t Itachi, and it wasn’t any of his co-workers either. He didn’t recognise the number, but when he opened the message and saw the picture that came with it it became clear who it was. 

It was Naruto, grinning so wide his eyes were just curved lines, two fingers thrown up in a peace sign.

_ I’ll be the Robin to you Batman any day, let’s go out this weekend? _

Sasuke frowned at the screen. How the… what the… how?

He took a moment to fully realise that not only had Naruto sent him a text message, when Sasuke was pretty sure he had never given him his number, but he was also kind of asking him out? He was more than a little confused, but then he heard the crash of a coffee cup hitting the floor, and he turned around to see Suigetsu on his knees picking up the pieces, and suddenly it all made sense. 

“Suigetsu, do you have any idea why our customers are suddenly contacting me?”

Suigetsu stopped what he was doing and looked up, grinning, completely shameless. 

“Because I gave your number to him?”

“You gave him my number,” Sasuke repeated. He wanted to be angry, because that was a clear breach of privacy or something, but then he glanced down and saw that stupid grin and peace sign on his phone screen, and anger was washed away in giddiness. He found himself having to bite back the smile that threatened to completely ruin the scolding he was preparing. 

“Yeah. I wrote ‘Batman looking for a Robin, call me’ and then your number on the cup when you were busy eye fucking him. Dude, did it work, did he call?” Suigetsu abandoned the broken cup and got to his feet, looking much too excited. 

Suddenly Naruto’s message made a little too much sense, and omg, now he would think Sasuke was actually about to use pickup lines  _ that  _ lame, and this was fucking mortifying, and…

He’d said yes hadn’t he? He had said yes to being his Robin and then asked him out, and he was actually going on a date with him and shit this wasn’t supposed to happen, he was just going to ogle him from afar and dream about that fine ass, but now there might be a very real opportunity for eventually grabbing of said ass and wasn’t that just far superior to just ogling it.

“You fucker,” Sasuke muttered and turned away so Suigetsu wouldn’t see him smiling. 

“Omg, it worked didn’t it?!” Suigetsu yelled, and Sasuke had to dodge the back hug Suigetsu was aiming for, twisting away as he tried to figure out just what to answer. He could send a selfie back, but it would be hard taking a picture while simultaneously fighting off Suigetsu, so he just quickly swiped his thumb across the screen, checked for any possible embarrassing autocorrects and tried to fight back the goofy grin that kept trying to make an appearance. 

_ Saturday good?  _

He pressed send, ignoring Suigetsu’s enthusiastic screams behind him. Suddenly working in a coffee shop didn’t seem like such a bad idea any more. 

  



End file.
